How to stop ruining everything if you’re a millennial

The 7 habits of highly effective Millennials

1.) Do not go to college. You don’t need college, and college doesn’t need you either. As a Millennial, student loans will put you right on the path of destroying everything.

2.) This is the most important and effective way Millennials can be highly effective: Pay someone to change your birth certificate to a year that will put you in Generation Z. Even better if you have stress lines before your time, this means you could pass for a Gen X or even a Baby Boomer- Most of you should have stress lines from the regret of ruining everything, or working your 5 jobs, so it is likely you can pull this off.

3.) Talk to your grandpa about the war he fought in. Make sure you record it on your new iPhone so you can reference it when talking to anyone from the Silent Generation. This will bring their guard down and allow an easier way to exit a long conversation about freedom.

4.) Never. Ever. Buy an electric can opener. Just buy the normal kind. This shows you are hard working and still eat canned beans. Most of us eat canned beans as we live paycheck to paycheck anyways. And don’t be afraid to bring your can opener out and about. Show it off babe-y. Forget #furmom get into #canopenermom life!

5.) Consider this: Why don’t you get some goddamn respect, okay? And pick up some dignity at the store while you’re buying avocados, kale, and chia seeds because you “care about your body.” Just get some respect, please. That’s all this point is about.

6.) A good conversation starter with any Baby Boomer is to tell them you don’t believe in technology. Like you literally don’t believe it’s real or exists. This angle will really throw them off and they won’t know what to say, so you can go back to listening to your murder podcast.

7.) The economy is extremely sensitive to us Millennials. Anything we purchase, or don’t purchase, could bring a wave of destruction to not only the American economy, but trade on a global level. We have killed so many goods and services. If all else fails, You might think of pulling out of this rat race entirely and joining that cult from your hometown. They use the bargaining system and clothing is optional. Not too shabby!

It’s been said only two things in life hold true. Those two things are as follows; Death is the great equalizer, and time moves forward. But now, in the year of 2018, we can add one more thing to the list. “Millennials ruin everything.” An apocalyptic hellscape is sure to follow. Now, we are a world in a crisis. But after reading these 7 habits, Millennials might become more, at least seemingly, stable to our older generations, who themselves were never doubted by their previous generations. Not once.