How to celebrate the month that nobody except women asked for

Happy Women’s History Month!

Oh yes it’s ladies night….Every night. Here is a list of things you should be doing this month to celebrate.

1.Make sure you hide from the world the fact that you really like to watch The Bachelor

A good idea to limit the way you relax and spend your own time is to completely change your routine and hide from the world the fact that you enjoy watching The Bachelor.

Sure, there is something mesmerizing in watching 25 women wearing short shorts compete against each other through a muddy ropes course challenge all to bone one man. However, now is not the month to admit it. Think of the women who came before you!

Personally, I will be watching the finale of The Bachelor in a soundproof room with the curtains drawn. I plan to surround the floor around me with lit candles and women studies text books I paid for in college but did not read. Women I suggest you do the same.

2. Check in on Ruth Bader Ginsburg with the new app “RBG BB”

RBG was appointed for life, and the app, “RBG BB” (BB standing for big brother) brings new meaning to that sentence.

This new app was developed by some bros in tech valley to live monitor Justice Ruth with second to second camera footage. From cross-examining her reading time to her bowel movements, it’s a great app to have simply for the peace of mind, specific to your peace of mind only. She really is going to live forever and we will watch her do it.

Ruth is totally fine with what some are calling, “a major breach of privacy,” as she signed her rights away when that movie about her came out.

3. Put 90% of your energy into reclaiming the word “Bitch.”

This month is all about you, Bitch. That’s right, drop the word “Bitch” into any conversation, at any time. The less expected and jarring, the better! It’s your word to reclaim so claim it.

Put the last 10% of your energy into deep throat screaming the word, “WHY?!” at women who still identify as Republican. Woman on woman screaming is a great way to spend your time this month especially.

4. Hire an exorcist

Cleanse your boyfriend(s), male friends, co-workers, and family members of the patriarchy by hiring an exorcist to rid them of the angry patriarchal demons within them. A millennia-old system of repression is really a matter of finding someone on Craigslist to come by and perform an exorcism.

Some may call number 4 “an extreme method.” A good way to know if it’s time to hire a Craigslist exorcist is if you hear the phrase, “Look I think women are great and all but we already have equality.” Or my personal fav, “ Women take feminism too far.” (If a man says this between vape puffs, it may already be too late, so move quickly.)

Rather than responding with, “LOL too far by demanding rights over our body and consent? LOL!” Just go ahead and hire an exorcist from the internet instead. It will be a fun time regardless and you will in turn get to refrain from using LOL so passive aggressively.

5. Be an advocate for inclusive feminism

If you are a white, middle class, narcissist  (this one’s for me!) be sure your black female friends know that you understand the term intersectionality and support feminism for all. Do this by sprinkling glitter in their wake while you squeal the phrase “Black girl magic” whenever they enter a room. This is sure to make them feel special and not ostracized in the slightest.

This is a good trick because it can be applied to any of your female friends who are not white. Feel free to change up the word “magic.” Thesaurus.com is a great resource for synonyms.

6. Celebrate the world’s  youngest self-made billionaire, who is FEMALE

Buy Kylie Jenner’s lip gloss kits and conform to an unrealistic expectation of beauty by contributing financially to an industry that has always made its money from our lack of confidence.

On the flip side, shame other women who feel powerful when they wear makeup by making vast sweeping generalizations about their experience as individual women. (Feel free to use my template from the sentence above where I did just that…oops!)

Happy women’s month!

However you choose to celebrate, just know that the spirit orb of Maya Angelou is always with you- even when you have weird sex But it’s okay bc she chill.

Cheers ladies- Now let’s drink a mimosa(s)

Cookie O’ Clock

I love visiting coffee shops. I found one in Brooklyn I particularly like called Normans. Though it’s not really a coffee shop so much as it’s a work space that sells Caesar salads garnished with Chinese radishes rather than Parmesan Cheese.

“Do you have oat milk?” I asked the cashier who is also a barista.

“Yes, of course,” he replied.

Oh, of course, I thought. This is Williamsburg and the people here are wearing beanies even though it’s warm out today.

I’d come to work on my satire blog, and maybe even my writer’s portfolio, if only I could find the ability to concentrate long enough to get through even one cohesive task on my list. And by list, I mean jumbled bullet points in my brain.

My blog is just for kicks, something that makes me laugh. I write satire, not to be confused with sarcasm, as satire has an ultimate goal and a higher meaning than the ridicule found in sarcasm. And no I don’t want to get off my high horse. Though I didn’t go to Harvard, or Yale, or even graduate college with above a 3.0 GPA, I happily consider myself something of an intellectual, with no bone to back that happy assumption. I read philosophy books ⅓ of the way through, and watch animated YouTube videos on French Existentialism, and so I pat myself on the back for half understanding ideas that someone else thought of a long time ago.

Lately, I haven’t been able to make myself laugh. I’ve tried for days to come up with something for my blog, but nothing I write seems funny, or even interesting. I focused on the Fyre Fest documentaries, maybe too much. I had one bit about Andy King leading an HR meeting, and another about hosting my own Fyre Fest at Pablo Escobar’s alleged “Days Inn Motel,” But nothing fleshed out in a way that I felt good about.

As I picked a seat to work in at the coffee shop, I  recalled a previous dinner with my friend, Natasha. Natasha is one of those people who actually wants to hear you talk. She is a treasure chest of a human being. Unlike me, just waiting to hear the sound of my own beautiful vocal cords rub together again, Natasha truly listens.  When I told Natasha about my creative block she suggested that I write something personal.

“Maybe you should write about yourself, not external events. You don’t have to always be funny or smart or topical. Plus I think the majority of people don’t get what you’re writing about anyways.”

She had a point. I believe she was nicely trying to say, “The majority of people don’t really care what you write, so you might as well write something that represents you.” Which isn’t to say anyone would care more about a personal blog post. I actually think people would care less.

My blog posts that dive deeper or cover political topics get few likes, other than from my mom’s cousin Kristen, who like me, never grows tired of bashing Donald Trump or the NRA. To contrast, my most popular blog was the most simple, “How to win New Years if you’re single but also tired and don’t feel like going out.” The relatability of it seemed to win over even my most estranged and Republican followers.

As I sipped my oat milk cappuccino in Normans Cafe, I tried to write something personal. Eventually, a conversation sparked with the woman next to me, though we weren’t discussing problematic issues with society, or our personal lives.

“Can you watch my laptop, I’m going to the bathroom.” I paused and looked around at the sea of MacBooks, and polished nails. “Actually, you don’t have to watch it, if you don’t feel like it. No one here is going to steal this.” I gestured towards my gray HP, covered in old stickers and scratch marks.

She laughed, “ No one would steal my laptop either, it’s 6 years old.”

I glanced at her Mac, and then over to my HP which was held together with duct tape,  “Well I might.”

Once I returned, my neighbor asked how long I would be here. She urged me to stay at least until 3 pm, “I call it Cookie O’ Clock,” she said.

This name intrigued me. She went on, “Everyday at 3 pm, the baristas come around and pass out free cookies. It’s a fun time. People stop working and we talk about the cookies, there’s a real community vibe.”

I assured the woman I would be here for Cookie O’ Clock. I wondered what we would talk about, and hoped it would not be, “Oh man I thought these were chocolate chips! Raisins are so lame.”  Then I remembered I had a phone call scheduled exactly at cookie time. Given only the people at this particular coffee shop were in cookie time zone, I doubted rescheduling would go over well.

Eating cookies and talking about them seems a bit pointless, but in such a turbulent world  maybe discussing sugar and flour is all we have left to give each other. The same reason we share videos on Facebook of a cat sitting on a dog’s head, both unbothered by the other’s presence. There is something uplifting in simplicity.

I thought about this as I spoke on the phone, all the while eyeing baristas for fresh cookies. But the cookies never came. When I got off the phone, the cookie lady was confused, and seeing my puzzled glances, perhaps felt bad for misleading me. But there was no need for that. I could tell she was thrown off by the lack of cookies as well.

“What’s up with our cookies?” I asked. I was genuinely snacky, and thus genuinely annoyed these cookies were perhaps a tall tale. Nothing seems more pointless than talking about something that will never come- like a pipe dream- though today we might call this a social delusion, or an avocado’s wish. My delusions demise was comparable to a boring version of the book, Of Mice and Men, except instead of being idealistic like George and Lennie’s Rabbit farm, it was minimalistic. Cookies, for Christ sake. I suppose the end of our time together would not result in me shooting my fellow cookie enthusiast in the head, which for that difference we can be thankful. The stakes were less high.

As I thought about the gunshot scene from Of Mice and Men, I realized I wouldn’t be so lucky to be the George to our duo, sharp and informed. If anything I was the Lennie. Quick to believe the pipe dream, and very out of touch with my giant body. As someone who is 6 feet tall, and what a kind mother would describe as being “big boned,” I have on more than one occasion stepped on, or run into things that were destroyed by my impact.

I recalled the high school memory of running into a girl who was running the opposite direction as me, both of us not looking where we were going. She was carrying her french horn, and I was carrying what Soulja Boy would refer to as booty meat. The mass of my thigh collided with her brass instrument on a hot summer’s day and resulted in a horn quesadilla.

“Well try stretching it back out again, like a fan,” I said and made the motions with my hands. The marching band instructor later expressed his distaste at the horn of her instrument being compared to a beloved Mexican dish.

As I think of this Lennie like behavior, my George begins packing up her things. “Well, I’ll be back tomorrow.” She says. “I’m sure the cookies will be back too. Maybe I’ll see you.”

I smile at the Cookie Queen. “Oh, you will. We won’t be fluked again.”

Help Me Make PART of America Safe Again

With our government shutdown over funding for proper border security, it’s time to take matters into our own hands. And I don’t mean making a go fund me entitled, “We the people will fund the wall,” like these clowns did.  That is a ridiculous notion, and it will never work. Instead I have a much more reasonable plan; read below for details.

“Make PART of America Safe Again”

We can’t keep all of America safe, so get behind the idea of making PART of America safe. In particular I am speaking about keeping my part of America safe. Partial safety will cost a fraction of Trump’s 2,000 mile wall, and will be 100% effective to the part of America it protects.

Help me make part of America safe again by donating to my personal go fund me. Funds will be used to build an enclosure around my home. Full disclosure- Under no circumstances can you come over once the wall is complete, but you will rest assured knowing the caravan of immigrants will not be able to enter PART of America.

My GoFundMe link

https://www.gofundme.com/make-part-of-america-safe-again&rcid=r01-15471834735-3e0b316a46934530&pc=ot_co_campmgmt_w

Pictured above an example of what my house could look like once it is fully safe, making America, partially safe. 

Why is it important to build an enclosure around PART of America?

• This part of America, in my opinion, is the most important part there is. After collecting data from residents in this part of America, my opinion is supported, so let’s take it as fact.
• Yikes! Recreational drugs keep finding their way into this part of America. While this may seem like a fun time to certain residents, it’s definitely not safe. A wall would keep out drugs, as drugs can not climb walls, thus solving our issue forever.
• If partial security is successful, we can look into funding partial security walls around other parts of America too (your house). Once complete we can safely live in complete isolation.
• After years of fear based propaganda, now just isn’t the time to admit to ourselves that most immigrants who come across the southern border illegally (most illegal immigrants don’t cross from the southern border) are asylum seekers, or economic migrants. Like I said, the timing isn’t right. However now IS the time to build a small fortress complete with cannons around my home!

Pictured below, an explosion of an idea-

Attach cannons to an average home in America for partial safety

My fellow Americans, there is nothing wrong with making PART of America safe again. I hope you will join me in funding my mail order bride, erm I mean partial security enclosure, so that we can all feel (partially) safe again. 

How to win New Years Eve if you’re single but also very tired and don’t feel like going out

So the earth has moved around the sun once more, and you’re single yet again. Here are some hot tips to avoid a night where your couple friends pity you, and your single friends make out with strangers while you get groped by a weirdo wearing an unironic cowboy hat. Happy New Year! 

Hot Tip #1

Tell your different friend groups you have plans- with the other friend group. If you are smart about your friend groups they won’t be able to prove you wrong because you have not intermingled your friend groups. Now you can stay in and watch Bird Box in peace.

Pro Tip: Make sure you post on your Instagram throughout the night to throw off your friends who actually watch your story. All you really need to post is at least one boomerang of a disco ball/funky lights, and one vague photo of a floor with some confetti on it. Both of these can be found online.

Hot Tip #2

Take a roadtrip! Travel through the time zones, backwards first, then forward again, so you don’t have to celebrate the New Year. By the time you are back home everyone else will be hungover and you will be enlightened from traveling through the space time continuum. Or rather from Eastern time to Pacific and back again.

Hot Tip #3

Personally this hot tip is exactly what I will be doing. Just go home and spend the evening with your parents. Even better if you can go to your grandparents house. I say even better because the older they are, the less likely they are to realize you changed their clocks forward by 4 hours. Clink your sparkling cider at 8pm, play an old version of the NYC ball drop, and enjoy the extra time away from your family.  

Pro Tip: Make sure you yawn A LOT and cut off your parents contact with the outside world.

Hot Tip #4

This tip is a tad controversial, only use if NOTHING else works. Let’s say you have one of those friends who is just relentless about you going out.

Tell your friend, “Alright I’ll go out. Actually, I found this really cool party drug we should try, it’s called MEL.”

If your friend is a party kind of friend they will be all over this “MEL” drug. Just make sure you abbreviate correctly, and don’t say the full name, “Melatonin.” This is safe as melatonin is a natural compound already within your body, and is generally used to help people fall asleep as it causes one to feel tired. Fashion your buddy a pallet on the floor and get ready for some sweet dreams. Rest well knowing you saved your party friend from an evening of vomiting and chafed armpits from the sequins on their dress.

How to stop ruining everything if you’re a millennial

The 7 habits of highly effective Millennials

1.) Do not go to college. You don’t need college, and college doesn’t need you either. As a Millennial, student loans will put you right on the path of destroying everything.

2.) This is the most important and effective way Millennials can be highly effective: Pay someone to change your birth certificate to a year that will put you in Generation Z. Even better if you have stress lines before your time, this means you could pass for a Gen X or even a Baby Boomer- Most of you should have stress lines from the regret of ruining everything, or working your 5 jobs, so it is likely you can pull this off.

3.) Talk to your grandpa about the war he fought in. Make sure you record it on your new iPhone so you can reference it when talking to anyone from the Silent Generation. This will bring their guard down and allow an easier way to exit a long conversation about freedom.

4.) Never. Ever. Buy an electric can opener. Just buy the normal kind. This shows you are hard working and still eat canned beans. Most of us eat canned beans as we live paycheck to paycheck anyways. And don’t be afraid to bring your can opener out and about. Show it off babe-y. Forget #furmom get into #canopenermom life!

5.) Consider this: Why don’t you get some goddamn respect, okay? And pick up some dignity at the store while you’re buying avocados, kale, and chia seeds because you “care about your body.” Just get some respect, please. That’s all this point is about.

6.) A good conversation starter with any Baby Boomer is to tell them you don’t believe in technology. Like you literally don’t believe it’s real or exists. This angle will really throw them off and they won’t know what to say, so you can go back to listening to your murder podcast.

7.) The economy is extremely sensitive to us Millennials. Anything we purchase, or don’t purchase, could bring a wave of destruction to not only the American economy, but trade on a global level. We have killed so many goods and services. If all else fails, You might think of pulling out of this rat race entirely and joining that cult from your hometown. They use the bargaining system and clothing is optional. Not too shabby!

It’s been said only two things in life hold true. Those two things are as follows; Death is the great equalizer, and time moves forward. But now, in the year of 2018, we can add one more thing to the list. “Millennials ruin everything.” An apocalyptic hellscape is sure to follow. Now, we are a world in a crisis. But after reading these 7 habits, Millennials might become more, at least seemingly, stable to our older generations, who themselves were never doubted by their previous generations. Not once.