How to win New Years Eve if you’re single but also very tired and don’t feel like going out

So the earth has moved around the sun once more, and you’re single yet again. Here are some hot tips to avoid a night where your couple friends pity you, and your single friends make out with strangers while you get groped by a weirdo wearing an unironic cowboy hat. Happy New Year! 

Hot Tip #1

Tell your different friend groups you have plans- with the other friend group. If you are smart about your friend groups they won’t be able to prove you wrong because you have not intermingled your friend groups. Now you can stay in and watch Bird Box in peace.

Pro Tip: Make sure you post on your Instagram throughout the night to throw off your friends who actually watch your story. All you really need to post is at least one boomerang of a disco ball/funky lights, and one vague photo of a floor with some confetti on it. Both of these can be found online.

Hot Tip #2

Take a roadtrip! Travel through the time zones, backwards first, then forward again, so you don’t have to celebrate the New Year. By the time you are back home everyone else will be hungover and you will be enlightened from traveling through the space time continuum. Or rather from Eastern time to Pacific and back again.

Hot Tip #3

Personally this hot tip is exactly what I will be doing. Just go home and spend the evening with your parents. Even better if you can go to your grandparents house. I say even better because the older they are, the less likely they are to realize you changed their clocks forward by 4 hours. Clink your sparkling cider at 8pm, play an old version of the NYC ball drop, and enjoy the extra time away from your family.  

Pro Tip: Make sure you yawn A LOT and cut off your parents contact with the outside world.

Hot Tip #4

This tip is a tad controversial, only use if NOTHING else works. Let’s say you have one of those friends who is just relentless about you going out.

Tell your friend, “Alright I’ll go out. Actually, I found this really cool party drug we should try, it’s called MEL.”

If your friend is a party kind of friend they will be all over this “MEL” drug. Just make sure you abbreviate correctly, and don’t say the full name, “Melatonin.” This is safe as melatonin is a natural compound already within your body, and is generally used to help people fall asleep as it causes one to feel tired. Fashion your buddy a pallet on the floor and get ready for some sweet dreams. Rest well knowing you saved your party friend from an evening of vomiting and chafed armpits from the sequins on their dress.