How to celebrate the month that nobody except women asked for

Happy Women’s History Month!

Oh yes it’s ladies night….Every night. Here is a list of things you should be doing this month to celebrate.

1.Make sure you hide from the world the fact that you really like to watch The Bachelor

A good idea to limit the way you relax and spend your own time is to completely change your routine and hide from the world the fact that you enjoy watching The Bachelor.

Sure, there is something mesmerizing in watching 25 women wearing short shorts compete against each other through a muddy ropes course challenge all to bone one man. However, now is not the month to admit it. Think of the women who came before you!

Personally, I will be watching the finale of The Bachelor in a soundproof room with the curtains drawn. I plan to surround the floor around me with lit candles and women studies text books I paid for in college but did not read. Women I suggest you do the same.

2. Check in on Ruth Bader Ginsburg with the new app “RBG BB”

RBG was appointed for life, and the app, “RBG BB” (BB standing for big brother) brings new meaning to that sentence.

This new app was developed by some bros in tech valley to live monitor Justice Ruth with second to second camera footage. From cross-examining her reading time to her bowel movements, it’s a great app to have simply for the peace of mind, specific to your peace of mind only. She really is going to live forever and we will watch her do it.

Ruth is totally fine with what some are calling, “a major breach of privacy,” as she signed her rights away when that movie about her came out.

3. Put 90% of your energy into reclaiming the word “Bitch.”

This month is all about you, Bitch. That’s right, drop the word “Bitch” into any conversation, at any time. The less expected and jarring, the better! It’s your word to reclaim so claim it.

Put the last 10% of your energy into deep throat screaming the word, “WHY?!” at women who still identify as Republican. Woman on woman screaming is a great way to spend your time this month especially.

4. Hire an exorcist

Cleanse your boyfriend(s), male friends, co-workers, and family members of the patriarchy by hiring an exorcist to rid them of the angry patriarchal demons within them. A millennia-old system of repression is really a matter of finding someone on Craigslist to come by and perform an exorcism.

Some may call number 4 “an extreme method.” A good way to know if it’s time to hire a Craigslist exorcist is if you hear the phrase, “Look I think women are great and all but we already have equality.” Or my personal fav, “ Women take feminism too far.” (If a man says this between vape puffs, it may already be too late, so move quickly.)

Rather than responding with, “LOL too far by demanding rights over our body and consent? LOL!” Just go ahead and hire an exorcist from the internet instead. It will be a fun time regardless and you will in turn get to refrain from using LOL so passive aggressively.

5. Be an advocate for inclusive feminism

If you are a white, middle class, narcissist  (this one’s for me!) be sure your black female friends know that you understand the term intersectionality and support feminism for all. Do this by sprinkling glitter in their wake while you squeal the phrase “Black girl magic” whenever they enter a room. This is sure to make them feel special and not ostracized in the slightest.

This is a good trick because it can be applied to any of your female friends who are not white. Feel free to change up the word “magic.” Thesaurus.com is a great resource for synonyms.

6. Celebrate the world’s  youngest self-made billionaire, who is FEMALE

Buy Kylie Jenner’s lip gloss kits and conform to an unrealistic expectation of beauty by contributing financially to an industry that has always made its money from our lack of confidence.

On the flip side, shame other women who feel powerful when they wear makeup by making vast sweeping generalizations about their experience as individual women. (Feel free to use my template from the sentence above where I did just that…oops!)

Happy women’s month!

However you choose to celebrate, just know that the spirit orb of Maya Angelou is always with you- even when you have weird sex But it’s okay bc she chill.

Cheers ladies- Now let’s drink a mimosa(s)