A day in the life of Trump’s “Worldwide Network”

Trump brought to light an extremely important issue the other day via twitter.

After seeing this tweet, I realized non-American people’s only source of U.S. news is CNN. It breaks my heart to think of African children starving for a proper American news source, a country they don’t live in or care much about.

The use of soft power to adjust word wide perception isn’t a new idea or tactic, but in order to speed up creation of Americas Worldwide Network, I’ve decided to make a TV guide which provides details on programs you can expect to see on the Worldwide Network.

And yes- I’ll be sharing my program guide with Trump via twitter, so he is likely to bring me on as a producer.

A day in the life of Trump’s World Wide Network

Time	Program	Details
8am	Fox & Friends Presents: Tanning & Friends	MMM Crispy- Start your day off learning about the benefits of climate change (if it’s even real) like more sun, and year round tans. On today’s episode: New research says tanning makes you look cool, alright?
9am	Flags Flags Flags, with Melania Trump	The only thing sexier than our American flag is Melania Trump waving those red, white, and blue hotties around as she speaks on cyber bullying while Trump simultaneously engages in twitter fights.
10am	Uh-Oh, Mexicans!	GOP produced, this special stars a government shutdown caused by lack of funding for the wall on our southern border. This features President Trump throwing his arms up and saying “Totally willing to do it.”
11am	MTV Cribs Presents: The best house ever is my Dad’s Mansion, with Eric Trump	Eric is extremely excited, and 100% surprised to be included. It is likely he will go rogue on us if we film this live- so trigger warning in advance for… something unpredictable and triggering.
12pm	Ya fired!	This two hour special stars the President telling various members of the United Nations from various countries that they are in fact, fired. Fired from what? It’s unclear what Trump thinks he is firing them from, but one thing can be certain, there is no severance package where they’re going.
2pm	Lifetime Presents: A Coal Miner’s Tale	This made for T.V. movie sure wouldn’t be played anywhere else. Ted Cruz stars as a 9-5 coal miner, and full time family man. Watch the magic unfold as Ted navigates life down in the mines, and up at the dinner table. What will he find between layers of rocks and plates of meat loaf? Not renewable or clean energy, but instead something much better- Love, and the backbone of our American economy. And then some more love.
5pm	Now that’s what I call Power! Volume 57	Watch Trump shoot things with big guns. Powerful stuff, authoritarian man! Oh- erm i meant, authoritative. For every bullseye hit, the NRA will donate a large sum of money to Trump’s campaign for the 2020 election cycle.
6pm	Haters are losers	Trump is joined by Kanye West as they freestyle about all the haters and losers in the world and demonize a common enemy we can all come together, against.
7pm	Baking Cakes & Dismantling Institutions Episode 32- Voter fraud	The sky is falling! And by that I mean the validity of democracy as we know it is falling apart, but not these pie crusts.
8pm	Beautiful America, we’re all good over here!	A 12 hour photo montage of President Donald Trump, smiling white families, a few bald eagles, and one black guy giving thumbs up. Featuring Kid Rock’s album, um, whichever one wasn’t that bad.

Tune in next week for our new game show, “Hey where do these kids go?” Where ICE tries to match separated families back together correctly. Let’s hope they get it right!

This is America.

A Modest Interview

Happy Thanksgiving week! This post is all about being thankful. Specifically, I wanted to shout-out American PR agents who are constantly working overtime for their political clients. Politicians are very thankful for their highly demanded publicists and consultants alike. 

For this blog post, I interviewed political consultant, Shellyanne Payday (A Kellyanne Conway type) who’s represented many politicians throughout her career.

Read below for my exclusive interview with Shellyanne.

The Interview: 

Mary: Shellyanne thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule. I know things have been…hectic lately for you, with the congressional elections.

Shellyanne: You know what, this year wasn’t so hard. If I can speak candidly…

Mary: Please! *Deep belly laughter* Anything you say here you can just reword, speed up, or mix around anyways.

Shellyanne politely chuckles and continues: Well this year wasn’t so hard on me. The American people, right or left side of the spectrum, have come to expect a certain amount of- hmm what should I say, a fun time.

Mary: Okay, sure- Fun aside, I’m betting you had a few challenges this campaign season. Do you care to elaborate? If you don’t, I’ll just bring it up later when you’re less prepared.

Shellyanne: Oh I knew you would ask that. But before I talk about the challenges, let’s talk about my successes.

Mary: Fun!

Shellyanne: Exactly. Mary, you’re from Tennessee. I’m sure you followed those campaigns closely. *Mary nods ardently* Let’s talk specifically about the senate race. Marsha Blackburn (R) and Phil Bredesen (D).

Mary: Right. I thought it was interesting that both Republican and Democrat made sure their potential voters knew the caravan of latinx immigrants headed towards America is problematic and on their agendas.  

*Mary Pauses and looks at her phone to check google maps*

The caravan is concerning to me as I checked out my google maps and Tennessee is less than 1000 miles from the border, with the fastest route putting it a mere 882 miles away. That’s only 15 hours by car, or 283 hours by caravan. Even with stops for flaming hot cheetos and gas station slushies, 283 hours won’t be expanded by much.

Shellyanne: Exactly Mary. Exactly. Tennessee is a good place for my politician clients because even though it is landlocked centrally in America, some residents live in fear of people who are different from them. This fear has festered into a bitter hatred that many feel comfortable verbalizing. This in turn makes my job easier, because no matter what my clients say, there really isn’t a hole to dig them out of- most of the time.

Mary: But there are still holes to dig yourself out of- The south shouldn’t be generalized or stereotyped. I know many Tennesseans got out and voted for Phil Bredesen. His campaign was pretty reasonable. I believe he added in the border security bit to appeal to a mass of Tennesseans. What would you say to those Tennessee folks who voted for Bredesen?

Shellyanne: I would say, even Gerrymandering wouldn’t help Tennessee. That state’s redder than my face the time Lindsey Graham talked baby to me.

Mary: What’s, uh, what’s talking baby? Is that supposed to be a reference to Graham’s baby shaped face? *Photo of Lindsay Graham pans across your screen below*

Graham, South Carolina Senator.

Shellyanne: Um. I meant when he talked to me about….how much he loves babies. I want to be clear that there’s nothing sexual to be inferred by what I did or did not say.

Mary: Okay, fun! Let’s get back on topic. I also followed the congressional elections in Mississippi because my sister lives there. Mississippi is a state I have always made fun of, but damn it might be time to take back all the toothless hillbilly jokes.

Shellyanne: I wouldn’t speak too soon. There are still less teeth in the state of Mississippi than toes on my feet. I know what you’re about to bring up- The senate race. Democrats think there’s a chance.  

Mary: Yes, they do. My sister called me a few days ago. Apparently white Republican candidate Cindy Hyde-Smith is facing black democrat Mike Espy in a run-off vote November 27th. Voters seemed disturbed after Cindy was captured on video praising a supporter by declaring, “If he invited me to a public hanging, I’d be on the front row.”

*Mary pauses for dramatic affect*

Shellyanne, you can’t possibly say no one was outraged by that statement. Don’t you represent Cindy? How can she come back from this?

Shellyanne: Okay. Now this where people completely misunderstood my girl Cindy. She is MY GIRL, okay.  And she’s a good girl. She also loves babies and we have talked about them together many times.

Mary: Okay. But it seems pretty fucked to say given Mississippi’s history of racial lynchings, and also given Mike Espy’s well, blackness. It’s wrong on so many levels, the most basic of those levels being racist. That was violently racist of Cindy to say. Also Mississippi’s population is 38% African American. She may very well be screwed in the run-off.

Shellyanne: Okay. Here’s the thing. When Cindy said, “public hanging” She meant like hanging out in public. I’ll show you exactly what she meant by using context. Read between my parenthesis, “If he invited me to a public hanging (session) I’d be on the front row (of that quality time because I’m so excited.)

Mary: Hmm.

Shellyanne: *side eyes shift back and forth*

Mary: *picks nose and blinks*

Shellyanne: Well. *Draws deep breath* Okay. Round 2. Cindy was talking about hangings, okay, yes. But not hanging a black person. Cindy loves black babies, we talked about that yesterday. Cindy meant if she was invited to a KKK member hanging she would be on the front row. Hell she would be tailgating that hanging, shotgunning beer with black panthers. And don’t even get me started on a Nazi hanging. If Cindy was invited to a Nazi member hanging she would throw a party rivaled by every single Kardashian, even Rob.

Mary: Okay, so Cindy was talking about having a Nazi hanging party that would make even the Kardashians jealous?

Shellyanne: That is absolutely right. She does not care for Nazis, KKK, or Kardashians.

Mary: That seemed very unclear by the original quote. Don’t you think that’s a bit of a stretch, even for you, Shellyanne.

Shellyanne: Well if you speed up the tape and play it backwards Cindy is actually saying “I’m sorry I had to fight in the middle of your black panther party.”

Mary: Isn’t that a quote from Forrest Gump?

Shellyanne: It is and I’m afraid that’s all I have time for today.

Mary: Alright thanks Shellyanne. Happy thanksgiving to you and your extremely thankful clients. I think this interview shed light on some important issues. And now that it’s ended abruptly and early there is more time for the next section, “ Cats playing pranks on babies” Enjoy.

Sources

Watch Marsha Blackburn’s caravan centered campaign ad here → https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9pm4XcREY0E

(Marsha Blackburn:Tennessee Republican candidate for senate, now current senate member)

Watch Phil Bredesen’s border security campaign ad here →

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=opqsoXJFbmE&feature=youtu.be\

(Phil Bredesen: Tennessee Democratic candidate for senate)  

Cindy Hyde-Smith’s remarks on “Public Hanging” here →

https://www.apnews.com/e8d5fc7785b9456c9ad29b908e760e70

(Cindy Hyde-Smith: Mississippi Republican candidate for senate, run-off November 27th)  

Forrest Gump fighting for Jen-ay at a black panther party here→

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=13OoNe51Vx8

How to manage forests near you; A four-point plan

As we all know, mismanagement of forests is one of the most pressing and concerning topics in America right now. With President Trump threatening to pull funding from our forests, I decided it’s time for a wake-up call. I’ve done some research, and today I’ll be sharing my Forest Action Plan, also known as FAP.

Make America FAP again

• According to my research, which was a google search in which I clicked on the very first link that appeared, hot and dry air is the culprit of most forest fires. Personally, a lot of hot and dry air in my home is caused by my mouth breathing roommates. If everyone would go ahead and breath through their noses, fires would spread less easily.
• Urban interface fires. This phrase came up A LOT. So you don’t have a forest near you? Think again. I bet you have a few trees. A good way to manage trees near you is to cut them all down and replace them with potted herbs. This is a good trick because about 95% of potted herbs will be killed by your neglect within a few months, so they are not likely to stick around and catch fire.
• This one is specifically for my California people. The Santa Ana winds have gotten an awful reputation lately, and for good reason. Mountain winds 70 miles per hour blow inland and meet winds funneling across deserts, causing low humidity and fueling dry air to ignite. This is 100% human error and can be easily remedied. It is my proposal that meteorologists consider renaming the Santa Ana winds to something more docile, like the Santa Margie winds. Or the Santa Santa winds, as Christmas is quickly approaching. By giving the winds a kinder name we can likely give them a more empathetic view on humanity, and the winds will in turn take pity on us.
• The fourth and final part of FAP I hesitate to bring up, as it is my wish to remain politically neutral. However, as an avid Google (and occasional Bing) researcher it is my duty to share the information I find with little to no fact checking. According to a Bing search, a percentage of forest fires can be caused by something as small as a shot gun or fire arm. I’m not sure what we could possibly do about this, as the most natural thing in any red-blooded American’s life is to bear arms and do whatever they want with said arms. Like I said the most pressing issue we face today is forest fires, so I’m not sure why I would even bring up gun control. I guess it’s just something to think about, at most pray about. Guns don’t kill people; mismanaged forests kill people.

So there you have it, my four point FAP. As soon as Americans get behind, in front of, 69, I mean any position will do, we will see real change.

*Disclaimer* I also found, for whatever reason, fires are happening A LOT more frequently in recent years and are A LOT more destructive. If anyone has figured out the art of time travel, please let me know.